Let me set the scene for you: Jack Black, as the director, sitting wide eyed for whatever reasons, watches his finacial supporters, who are watching a film of his (which for some reason we do not get to see.) Perhaps Jack Black the director (Carl Denham, thank you IMDB), is a metaphor for Peter Jackson, making b-movie crap like Munchies and now he is making his "Lord of the Rings", esk movie. They, the finacial advisers, think he sucks, so CARL runs off with their money and grabs a dumb blonde and Adrian Brodie (and his nose) and jump on a tiny little trampsteamer. Mind you I need to speed this blog up or I will fall into the need to stretch everything out like Peter did. But maybe I won't who knows I am still talking like they did in this movie. You know there was Greek Philosopher who said monkies are the inner thoughts of our soul. Whatever. Anyways we get to learn about the very "important" crew of the trampsteamer. Including The Captain (I don't remember his name), Mr. Hayes, the deep philosophical Captain's sidekick, the squinty eyed chef(who I think is Gollum), The asian guy, the guy with tattoos on his face, and of course the star of this entire movie JIMMY!. We learn so much about Jimmy. First time you meet Jimmy he is a lovable scamp that steals Adrian Brodie's pen. Mr. Hayes, Jimmy moral stone, smacks Jimmy in the face and returns the pen to Adrian. Now instead of going up the stairs and going away, Mr. Hayes delights us with a story about Jimmy. As he looks down the tight brig, he thinks back about when he found Jimmy with a broken arm stowed away in a animal cage (a note: the Captain captures animals for sale, so he has cages and a crap load of cloroform on board). Mr Hayes could not find out where Jimmy was from and let him stay on the ship. The info about Jimmy does not stop there. We are given more cinematic delights as we see Jimmy reading a book on the deck. The book? THE HEART OF DARKNESS! Yeah I don't know what it's about either, but it involves some guy named MONDO? and a tramp steamer. Enter Mr. HAYES: Jimmy get off this ship and get a life and get a education Jimmy: Oh no sir Mr. Hayes, I read this book and it has an adventure on a ship so I am gonna stay on this ship an have an adventure.
SPEED UP MOMENT: They hit fog, crash into rocks and find SKULL ISLAND! Carl (that's the director played by Jack Black if you forgot, I know I did) grabs a row boat and his crew and leaves the ship without the Captain's OK. Hey crazy they find a old abandoned civilization. JIMMY MOMENT: Jimmy puts down his book "Mr. Hayes why does Mongo keep going? Mr Hayes: "Jimmy, inside he knows he need to go back but there is something inside him that must know also. He must face what he fears. JIMMY: So this is not an adventure story? MR. HAYES: No Jimmy, this not an adventure story. Is the civilization abandoned? No we get to see a cute little tribes girl who look like the girl from the Ring. Carl gives her a candy bar and she has a diabetic siezure causing all the other tribes people to come out and greet their guests with their welcome clubs and spears. Some guy gets a spear through his chest, but I think he is the same guy at the end of the movie. Now enter Peter's Lotr directing....Slow motion with dramatic music. But the Captain and Jimmy rescue everyone by using guns on the ugly natives. QUICK SEGWAY: The effects crew for the natives need to die. The tribes people are beyond ugly. Their leader, an old woman, looks like a diecheled pumpkin that was burnt with a flamethrower than they rubbed some of that chia grass on her face. They tribes people deside that guns scare them so they run away. The tribes people grab the blonde girl off the boat and offer her to Kong.
Kong stamps in and grabs girl and runs away before Adrian Brodie can do absolutly nothing. Odd moment, the only reason Kong seems to be responsible for Girl deaths is because he excessively swings them around. She stabs his hand and runs away. She gets caught then dances a little jig. This amuses Kong so he falls immidiately in love with her. She sneaks away as is attacked by what I believe to be T-rexs bred with alligators. Kong jumps in and uses his KONG FU on not one T-rex, but three T-rex's!
There is a 10 minute fight between ape and reptile and that's about it. Kong takes the blonde to a beautiful sunset and she falls in love with Kong. There is a funny brontasaurus stampede that is dragged out and Jimmy is nearly killed when I think 40 brontasauroses fall on each other. Apparently giant duck lizards attacked them and we get to enjoy the hilarity. Mr Hayes Demise: RUN JIMMY!, Mr. Hayes for some apparent reason attacks Kong in a tunnel and is thrown against a rock. Brodie, Jack Black, Swuinty eye guy, Asian guy are trapped on a log which Kong throws down a cliff (even this scene is dragged on as Kong struggles to throw a little tree. Asian guy falls to his doom and the others fall but don't die. But...
Bannen's most distressing scene: THE BUG SCENE, For somereason everything on this island is hostile. Side note though: Other than Kong, everything on this island to some degree works together to eat people. Bugs, of different species, attack Brodie, Squinty eyed guy, Jack Black, and JIMMY!. Jimmy saves Brodie by shooting bugs with a tommy gun. Jack loses his film (and all his crew) so he just decides to capture Kong.... He captures Kong and takes him to New York. Pretty quick huh? Well that's how quick it was. NO SCENE WHERE KONG IS PLACED ON LITTLE SHIP. Kong is introduced to New York. People deliver deep lines that come off as highschool play fodder. Kong escapes runs around finding blondes, looking for his special blonde. Conviently he finds her and they play in the snow and make snow angels. The quickly responding army (they have a base in New York I think), they repond quicker than the fire department or the police. They also have complete disregard of civilians as the open fire everywhere at Kong. Kong climbs the Empire State building (that's new!). Girl annoys Kong as he puts out of harms ways three times. He gets shot by annoying planes(bullets hurt but T-rex bites annoy). He starts to die and looks into his little girl-friend's eyes. He could die right there but know Peter calls in another plane to shoot a few rounds up his ass. Kong Falls, Adrian kisses Dumb blonde, and Jack Black delivers his big line "the planes did not kill him, beauty killed the beast." But what about JIMMY? After all that all I wanted to know is what happened to Jimmy after? Did he move on? Is he still having adventures? I want a movie about Jimmy.
UPDATE: I found the script which amuses me. The script which was torn up by three screen-writers (including Peter Jackson) looks vaguely like the horror that is this movie. Interesting note though, I forgot that Carl, ie Jack Black, throws this stupid treasure map in the finacial backers' faces and says "hey this is skull island it has things no one seen before I am gonna find it and film my movie there!" Crazy how vague that is. Where did you get that map again? Oh yeah ITS NOT IN THE MOVIE!. The script mentions something about finding it during a war or something. I believe Adrian Brodie's character was suppose to be in a war? Makes since since the movie does not explain how a screen writer such as himself can fire a gun so effectively. Crazy talk. IMDB comments implore that this is a great flick. Hey they said the same thing about Independence day, whens the last time you saw that flick?