Thursday, February 28, 2013

Part 4 1up!

Insane rant by me....

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SPOILER Let me say I have seen many movies and I find it an irony that the two big monster movies, King Kong and Godzilla, I saw with Bannen. Both experiences were extremly painful. Our respective wives had no interest in seeing a 3 hour movies about a giant monkey so we combined our need to see Peter Jackson's last big movie. NO..we did not hold hands, maybe a little snuggling. After Bannen got his fabled pretzel bites and my free popcorn we ventured into the theater.

Let me set the scene for you: Jack Black, as the director, sitting wide eyed for whatever reasons, watches his finacial supporters, who are watching a film of his (which for some reason we do not get to see.) Perhaps Jack Black the director (Carl Denham, thank you IMDB), is a metaphor for Peter Jackson, making b-movie crap like Munchies and now he is making his "Lord of the Rings", esk movie. They, the finacial advisers, think he sucks, so CARL runs off with their money and grabs a dumb blonde and Adrian Brodie (and his nose) and jump on a tiny little trampsteamer. Mind you I need to speed this blog up or I will fall into the need to stretch everything out like Peter did. But maybe I won't who knows I am still talking like they did in this movie. You know there was Greek Philosopher who said monkies are the inner thoughts of our soul. Whatever. Anyways we get to learn about the very "important" crew of the trampsteamer. Including The Captain (I don't remember his name), Mr. Hayes, the deep philosophical Captain's sidekick, the squinty eyed chef(who I think is Gollum), The asian guy, the guy with tattoos on his face, and of course the star of this entire movie JIMMY!. We learn so much about Jimmy. First time you meet Jimmy he is a lovable scamp that steals Adrian Brodie's pen. Mr. Hayes, Jimmy moral stone, smacks Jimmy in the face and returns the pen to Adrian. Now instead of going up the stairs and going away, Mr. Hayes delights us with a story about Jimmy. As he looks down the tight brig, he thinks back about when he found Jimmy with a broken arm stowed away in a animal cage (a note: the Captain captures animals for sale, so he has cages and a crap load of cloroform on board). Mr Hayes could not find out where Jimmy was from and let him stay on the ship. The info about Jimmy does not stop there. We are given more cinematic delights as we see Jimmy reading a book on the deck. The book? THE HEART OF DARKNESS! Yeah I don't know what it's about either, but it involves some guy named MONDO? and a tramp steamer. Enter Mr. HAYES: Jimmy get off this ship and get a life and get a education Jimmy: Oh no sir Mr. Hayes, I read this book and it has an adventure on a ship so I am gonna stay on this ship an have an adventure.

SPEED UP MOMENT: They hit fog, crash into rocks and find SKULL ISLAND! Carl (that's the director played by Jack Black if you forgot, I know I did) grabs a row boat and his crew and leaves the ship without the Captain's OK. Hey crazy they find a old abandoned civilization. JIMMY MOMENT: Jimmy puts down his book "Mr. Hayes why does Mongo keep going? Mr Hayes: "Jimmy, inside he knows he need to go back but there is something inside him that must know also. He must face what he fears. JIMMY: So this is not an adventure story? MR. HAYES: No Jimmy, this not an adventure story. Is the civilization abandoned? No we get to see a cute little tribes girl who look like the girl from the Ring. Carl gives her a candy bar and she has a diabetic siezure causing all the other tribes people to come out and greet their guests with their welcome clubs and spears. Some guy gets a spear through his chest, but I think he is the same guy at the end of the movie. Now enter Peter's Lotr directing....Slow motion with dramatic music. But the Captain and Jimmy rescue everyone by using guns on the ugly natives. QUICK SEGWAY: The effects crew for the natives need to die. The tribes people are beyond ugly. Their leader, an old woman, looks like a diecheled pumpkin that was burnt with a flamethrower than they rubbed some of that chia grass on her face. They tribes people deside that guns scare them so they run away. The tribes people grab the blonde girl off the boat and offer her to Kong.

Kong stamps in and grabs girl and runs away before Adrian Brodie can do absolutly nothing. Odd moment, the only reason Kong seems to be responsible for Girl deaths is because he excessively swings them around. She stabs his hand and runs away. She gets caught then dances a little jig. This amuses Kong so he falls immidiately in love with her. She sneaks away as is attacked by what I believe to be T-rexs bred with alligators. Kong jumps in and uses his KONG FU on not one T-rex, but three T-rex's!
There is a 10 minute fight between ape and reptile and that's about it. Kong takes the blonde to a beautiful sunset and she falls in love with Kong. There is a funny brontasaurus stampede that is dragged out and Jimmy is nearly killed when I think 40 brontasauroses fall on each other. Apparently giant duck lizards attacked them and we get to enjoy the hilarity. Mr Hayes Demise: RUN JIMMY!, Mr. Hayes for some apparent reason attacks Kong in a tunnel and is thrown against a rock. Brodie, Jack Black, Swuinty eye guy, Asian guy are trapped on a log which Kong throws down a cliff (even this scene is dragged on as Kong struggles to throw a little tree. Asian guy falls to his doom and the others fall but don't die. But...

Bannen's most distressing scene: THE BUG SCENE, For somereason everything on this island is hostile. Side note though: Other than Kong, everything on this island to some degree works together to eat people. Bugs, of different species, attack Brodie, Squinty eyed guy, Jack Black, and JIMMY!. Jimmy saves Brodie by shooting bugs with a tommy gun. Jack loses his film (and all his crew) so he just decides to capture Kong.... He captures Kong and takes him to New York. Pretty quick huh? Well that's how quick it was. NO SCENE WHERE KONG IS PLACED ON LITTLE SHIP. Kong is introduced to New York. People deliver deep lines that come off as highschool play fodder. Kong escapes runs around finding blondes, looking for his special blonde. Conviently he finds her and they play in the snow and make snow angels. The quickly responding army (they have a base in New York I think), they repond quicker than the fire department or the police. They also have complete disregard of civilians as the open fire everywhere at Kong. Kong climbs the Empire State building (that's new!). Girl annoys Kong as he puts out of harms ways three times. He gets shot by annoying planes(bullets hurt but T-rex bites annoy). He starts to die and looks into his little girl-friend's eyes. He could die right there but know Peter calls in another plane to shoot a few rounds up his ass. Kong Falls, Adrian kisses Dumb blonde, and Jack Black delivers his big line "the planes did not kill him, beauty killed the beast." But what about JIMMY? After all that all I wanted to know is what happened to Jimmy after? Did he move on? Is he still having adventures? I want a movie about Jimmy.

UPDATE: I found the script which amuses me. The script which was torn up by three screen-writers (including Peter Jackson) looks vaguely like the horror that is this movie. Interesting note though, I forgot that Carl, ie Jack Black, throws this stupid treasure map in the finacial backers' faces and says "hey this is skull island it has things no one seen before I am gonna find it and film my movie there!" Crazy how vague that is. Where did you get that map again? Oh yeah ITS NOT IN THE MOVIE!. The script mentions something about finding it during a war or something. I believe Adrian Brodie's character was suppose to be in a war? Makes since since the movie does not explain how a screen writer such as himself can fire a gun so effectively. Crazy talk. IMDB comments implore that this is a great flick. Hey they said the same thing about Independence day, whens the last time you saw that flick?


Some more 1up moments

Bubble Bobble This was truly was one of the first multiplayer games I ever put all effort into. I had so so two player games like Double Dragon and Contra, but almost nothing caused more dedication out of me and Maximum Bannen than Bubble Bobble. Nine hours may be chicken feed to gamers now but in the hay day of consoles nine hours was an eternity. NO ability to save. NO ability to save to memory card or harddrive. You had to play that bitch (together no less) for that whole time or quit and restart. And Restarting was not an option after 5 hours of that fricking green and blue nightmare. A good nightmare that bonded two people for ever. I do not think that me and Bannen would be such close friends if not for Bubble Bobble. Mind you also Oj simpson was on the run in his bronco when we were on our seventh hour of that game. We only blastered our faces to the oj box for maybe 10 minutes. While I said who the hell is OJ simpson? And Bannen Responded He is that guy in the Naked Gun movie... OHHHHH. Then after some well deserved Dairy Queen Ice cream we defeated this dastardly long game. Defeated during one of the biggest spectacles of our time and during a completely ignored Bannen family outing we stuck to our guns and defeated the Bobble. UPDATE: I was wrong about the no save. There was a password feature but the game took three weeks to beat not 9 hours.
Oj who?

Toe Jam and EarlNow I thought that Bubble Bobble was as beast. Toe Jam and Earl was a equally daunting beast. Even now whether you choose the random or normal maps that thing was a time cruncher. A rediculusly fun time cruncher. For the fallen Genesis sytem (that I bought just at the end). With Santa Claus, The Carrot wizard, Fat Lady, that bastard Boogey Man, that fat lawn mower dude, and many other wonders. Cool fart jokes and dialog between the two characters. Bad ass items like tomato sling shot (awesome against the chicken army) and the Icarus wings (new Kid Icarus game anyone?). The sequel was complete side scrolling garbage. The over head thing was what made that game awesome. That newer modern one with the girl was ok, but sure as hell did not capture the feel of that first allaluhya at life gain moment. Also another game that me and Bannen once again ignored family all together event.
Earl did you fart?

Hit Man 2,3 First off anyone who did not like these games because they were to easy because you were able to run through blowing everyone away without any problem Fuck You. Really eat my shit than shit and eat it again. The game was about being a Hitman not a mass murderer. Yes even when I got pissed at a level or two I went nuts and killed every man woman and child (Chinese Hercules anyone?), but I went back and perfected my silent skills. I am quite a dork, but I am proud that I got through Hitman 2 at 95% Silent Assasin and Completely 100 percent Silent Assassin on HItman 3. I spent nine hours watching, moving, breathing, being friends, making love, to every character on that first mansion level on 2. I knew when the characters came through the doors. I knew what they ate. I knew what videos they rented. I was a goddamn super assasin (with a buisness suit and bald barcoded head go figure). I still have people asking me how to get Silent Assasin on the Professional esc last level of Hitman 3. Which if anyone needs to know just ask and I will lay it out here. One of the best moments is in Two, which Maximum Bannen had before me, and I came over to check this game out, and me and Bannen worked togther. We moved like ninjas to a water tower and readied ourselves. I ninjad the way there and handed the Rifle to Bannen. We watched two officials drive up in cars and waited. We knew that we could plant a bomb on one car from the sewers, but the other was no where near a man hole(props because that would have been obvious). So we knew on guy would run after the first hit but which one? We coached each other through this dastardly snow Russian level to assasinate two digliteries (spell?) I watched Bannen ease the trigger back, from the top of our water tower, patroled by ignorant fur coated guards, and heard one bullet ring out. The rifle flew back and me and Bannen paniced thinking that the other guy probably ran in our wierd rifle backlash. But no cars drove away. NO explosions. Just guards spinning in circles. Me and Bannen, in our curiosity needed to know what happened. So we approached the center. With out getting to close and removed our binoculars to find out what happened. Lying face down Spayed on each other were both our targets. Bannen in his bouncey rifle fire ripped a 7.62 mm Bullet through both their bodies. The chance of that happening again was nill to none. I know I bought the game months late to go through at silent assassin and could not copy the feat. We cheered quitely and moved out of sight of the now retarded spinning guards.
Hitman three was incredible. I loved every inch of this game. The differant levels in differant locals were equally awesome. The BUtcher level in Hitman 3, just visually cool and extremely difficult to get silent Assassin. But I did it. The awesome party with the Russian and the waiter outfits equally cool. I could write about these games all day long. The creepy jirating guy in the butcher shop that you so want to kill but if you do that screws up your silent assassin (Bannen had to kill him, which is rightfully so). The Airport in Two with the fat gut eating chips. I stuck a fireman's axe in that fat boy's head and knocked his body into his computer monitor. If I screw up which level was in which game that is because they were very similar, which wht mess with a good thing. The ability to switch from first person to Third person brilliant. The only thing I did not like is that My 100 percent ended up regurgitating the same prize weapondry. I guess they did not expect anyone to go throught the whole game on that. Legendary on Halo, blow me try Silent Assassin on Hitman 3. I estimated that it is either impossible or near impossible to get 100 percent on two because there is a level with a cross walk that you must shoot a window to get to. If you are lucky enough to not attract guards your shot still counts as a shot fired which lowers your silent assassin and good luck on crossing that bridge and not kill any guards. I cannot wait for Four if it is as good as the others. I would hope that they gave new levels, pumped up the graphics, and as long as the regular game is solid maybe add a online type feature. Maybe a spy versus spy type thing who gets the hit first or a multiplayer thing like Splinter Cell Chaos. Or atleast a updatable system with new maps and equipment. Perhaps a custimizable actor instead of baldy. But if they still just made a simple new level sequeal I would be happy just fine.
Yeah that's right two guys one bullet

Tuesday, February 26, 2013



Monday, February 25, 2013




Are you aware of the Thralls? IN conjuration you can raise a dead thrall to serve you permanently (sort-of). Well I went to the area with the Afflicted, and killed my target and raised him from the dead. I took my new undead companion, and my regular companion Erudor(?); to White Run. After arriving I went to the tavern there and for some silly reason asked about rumors. She mentioned something about the Jarl's son. So I went and talked to the Jarl, than his son. The son led me to a barred door where the "WHISPERING LADY" lived. To open the door I had to take the key from the court wizard there. Well this is where things got quite evil. I tried to pick pocket the court wizard, well that it was one of the few things I have not raised much, so he caught me and a battle started, including my companion and my undead servant. I ran out of the building hoping that maybe the battle would stop. Well inside they kept fighting. So I ran to a guard, paid my bounty and came back. Inside I saw the damage I had caused. My undead companionwas dead, which leads me to still wonder at their longevity ( I have raised one twice so far, he may melt on the third). Also, amongst the corpses was the Court Wizard. I did not know that he could even die. Well my evil little mind thought something out, I tried to raise the court wizard, and to my delight he became my UNDEAD SERVANT! THE COURT WIZARD OF WHITE RUN! Also to my amusement, no one seemed to mind. Than I unlocked the door and this "daedra?" offered me some evil black ninja sword. Than she told me that I must kill someone I am close to get the full potential of the sword. Now I must sideways this story because I soon found out that the undead thralls are not the best (atleast on x-box) because they have a glitch that makes them disappear on travel jumps. They're there, but not. Because everyone is freaked out and keep telling you that spell is dangerous, put it away, but no thrall is seen. So I wanted to restart and keep and eye on my thrall this time. But I also thought of a new plan. I was also, during this time looking for a husband :) and I thought, well what if I get married, kill my future husband with the evil soul sword and than, to spite the gods even more, I will raise him to be my undead servant for life. Ah love. To add to the spice, I was approached by a woman and we consumated out lesbian love. I saved it and Talos (who hates lesbians) will be sated by my blade of evil. So my attempt at not being evil in this game has went down a road I cannot return.

Another one I liked....
AHEM... I will be reading today's poetry from the R.E. Howard book, The Second Book of Robert E. Howard

My ruthless hands still clutch at life -
Still liike a shoreless sea
My soul beats on in rage and strife.
You may not shackle me.

Jeffery JonesMy leopard eyes are still untamed
They hold a darksome light -
A fierce and brooding gleam unnamed
That pierced primeval night.

Rear mighty temples to your god -
I lurk where shadows sway,
Till, when your drowsy guards shall nod,
To leap and rend and slay.

For I would hurl your cities down
And I would break your shrines
And give the site of every town
To thisles and to vines.

Higher the walls of Nineveh
And prouder Babel's spires -
I bellowed from the desert way -
They crumbled in my fires.

For all the works of cultered man
Must fare and fade and fall.
I am the Dark Barbarian
That towers over all.

As I have stated before I love fantasy stories like Conan. This is from a new book I got and also I am reading Kull, which is also from him. The artwork is from Jeffery Jones. The next best artist to Frezetta. After looking at his work I might like him even better. It is quite an irony my two favorite authers, H.P. Lovecraft and R.E. Howard, were pen pals and I did not know it. More on Lord Cthulu later.

Jeffery Jones

GOOD BYE 1up Part1

1up my old gaming blog site is no more..... some posts from those days...

I'll give YOU A TEA PARTY!!!

and it will have a little brown bear with a purple doiley named Snuffles, a red hippo with a sequin purse named Saint Argo, and a pink giraffe with a plastic yellow thermos and a polka dot skirt named

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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

15 minutes part 2

15 minutes part 2!

Monday, February 11, 2013